Confessions: Getting Real with God

I laid on my living room floor, face down, screaming, and practically refusing to breathe. I was beyond a cry, or a sob, it was a lament. My soul was tearing, and the ache could not be abated. I was alone, so I was not concerned about my image, reputation, or even my witness before others. I was only concerned with my soul. And my soul was in turmoil. My soul had come to a place where honesty was the only option.

So I cried out to God. I called him cruel and hateful. I accused him of lying to me, because I had been a good person, and yet this horrible thing was happening to me. I blamed him and accused him of breaking all his promises. And then I told him I refused to go through this fire. I will not go one step further… so I intended to just lay in that same place and die.

But then my phone started ringing. And I couldn’t die with that noise in the background. So I got up to answer the phone, just so I could stop the noise, go back to my tantrum, and die without distraction. (This distraction means more if you understand that this event took place before cell phones. It was a wall phone with no answering machine.)

Now, you might be shocked at my behavior in the face of tribulation. I’ll go ahead and admit, I was a grown woman and had been a Christian for fifteen years. And yet, the emotions I was experiencing that day were dark; I was selfish, angry, stubborn, and full of rage. But most of all, I was wrong. God was guilty of none of the things of which I had accused him.

So, if you were God, and you were going to respond to me, how would you do it? A rebuke? Thunder and lightning that ends my tantrum and lets me know who I’m dealing with? Stony silence until I apologize? These were all responses that I would have deserved. But that is not what I got.

The phone call was from a friend who knew what had happened in my life. She told me the Lord had impressed her to tell me to read Psalms 37. Then, she hung up. She offered no advice, no sympathy, no comfort.

I stomped back to my place on the living room floor and tried to return to my tantrum. But somehow, I could not get back to the same place of rage and desperation because I knew that friend had been God’s voice calling me to “talk to him.” Out loud, I told the Lord, “Fine, I’ll read the Psalm. But it can’t fix this situation, and when I’m done, I’m still going to be mad at you.”

Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity, For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.

Well, that’s good news. The people who brought me to this horrible place won’t last long. But I’m still in this horrible place, and it's still not fair or right! (This was also a wrong thought, but bear with me.)

Trust in the Lord, and do good, so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.

And suddenly, I was in the arms of Jesus. I was comforted. I did trust Him because when I cried out to Him, He answered me. When I told Him what was in my heart, He did not turn away. In fact, He drew closer. He told me that if I would delight in Him, He would give me the desires of my heart. And He understood what those desires were better than I did. He would bring the good things to pass. He reminded me that the anguish I was experiencing was temporary, but the Good that he would bring into my life was eternal.

Would you believe that to this day, I do not feel shame at my accusations toward God? Now don’t get me wrong, I was 100% wrong in my understanding of what was going on. I was wrong about who He was, about what He had done, about all of it. I was especially wrong about the fact that I had been a good person and didn’t deserve any of this. But I’m still not ashamed of declaring to him how I felt. And that is what I’d like to call your attention to today.

Let me remind you of two things. First, the Lord already knows how you are truly feeling. He is an omniscient God, knowing all things in complete truth. When you tell your friend that it’s fine and that you understand, you may convince her with your words, even when it’s not true. But if you try that with God, he knows better. Secondly, God is big enough to love you through your doubt, your anger, your selfishness, and your misconceptions of Him.

This part of my life is ancient history by now. But it is part of my testimony because this was the time that I learned to recognize my own sins and failures, as well as the eternal, unyielding goodness of God.

Recently, I was reminded of this time again when I read Augustine’s Confessions. I noticed many times that St. Augustine was honest with God about why he continued in sin, why he postponed becoming a Christian, and how he struggled with his own failures. He openly confessed his battle with pride, conceit, and lust. He openly speaks of how he tried to convince himself he didn’t need God. But, he also reminds himself and his readers often that the Lord never failed him or left him in those battles.

One of my favorite passages was Augustine’s description of the state of his soul as he grieves the death of his best friend.

O foolish man that I then was, enduring impatiently the lot of man! I fretted then, sighed, wept, was distracted; had neither rest nor counsel. For I bore about a shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet where to repose it, I found not. All things look ghastly, yea, the very light, whatsoever was not what he was, was revolting and hateful.

Is that not a painfully beautiful description of grief and anguish? “A shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me.” I have been at the place where grief was so bad that my very soul would have abandoned this life if it could have. Everything that was around me, even the good things, looked hateful because they were not the one thing my soul had lost.

I want to compare Augustine’s lament with another ancient who raged because of his loss. In Homer’s Iliad, Achilles has lost his love. She has been taken from him, along with his pride, honor, and standing. He is grieved. He calls out to the gods to avenge him. His response is completely opposite of the response Augustine shows us in Confessions. Achilles does not recognize his own sin or shortcomings. He does not recognize his anger and rage as aspects of normal grief. He does not attempt to find joy again. Instead, he withdraws from life and calls on the gods to punish those who brought this grief into his life. In short, he behaves exactly the same way I did on that day in my living room.

A difference occurs between myself and Achilles here. When I answered that phone call and received comfort from the Lord, I turned. I repented of my wrong thoughts and actions. My soul was still in grief and I was sad and brokenhearted for many days, weeks, and months after that day. But I was at peace in my soul the whole time. And I trusted the Lord to bring me to a place of joy eventually. My focus was moved from my enemy to Jesus.

Achilles, however, holds his rage like a badge of honor. He eagerly awaits the “cutting down” of his enemies. He withdraws and sulks and nurses his anger, longing to see destruction come to those who harmed him. Then, destruction does come, but not just to his enemies. His best friend is killed in a battle Achilles could have prevented. In the end, Achilles is destroyed, after enduring all the anger, rage, and bitterness that resulted from his own decisions and actions. But, Augustine went past his lament, just like I did. He placed his grief in the hands of God and trusted that beauty and joy would be restored to him. The Lord brought him through the grief and the anguish, to a place of joy, service, purpose, and life.

Do not be afraid to be real with your God. Tell Him exactly where you are, and then listen and watch. He will do two things: (1) he will draw close to you and comfort you in your pain and (2) he will reveal your own sins and shortcomings. When this happens, turn to him. Accept his comfort, let go of your rage and anger, turn from your wrong thoughts, and trust Him. Experience the joy that comes from walking with God.